Where is Sherlock?
by Sherlockreader
Summary: Some texts between a The Sniper and The Master Criminal.
1. Chapter 1

JM- Seb.

JM- SEB.

JM- SEBBIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE.

JM- SEBASTIAN.

SM- What?

JM- Seb.

SM- What Jim?

JM- I'm BORED!

SM- And you're telling me this why?

JM- Because you are my favourite sniper and I'm pretending to be dead, which is boring.

SM- Jim, its three in the morning, go play scrabble or something.

JM- Done that already Seb.

SM- Cluedo?

JM- I'm not Sherlock Holmes.

SM- God forbid.

JM- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE D.

SM- Yeah, guessed that thanks.

JM- Come play Seb.

SM- No.

JM- PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE.

SM- No. it's three in the morning I'm trying to sleep, that last guy you got me to kill kept running away and it was long and tedious and I'm tired.

JM- Please SEBBIIIIIIIIIEEE.

SM- What do you want to play?

JM- Where's Sherlock.

SM- Jim, just because you printed out a A1 poster full of pictures of yourself and put one Holmes in the top left hand corner two inches down…

JM- Sebi you ruined the game!

SM- Good can I sleep now?

JM- NO! I've disguised him now, come look.

SM- Jim, I'm not flying from Dublin to London to play your stupid game, just because you drew a moustache on a picture of Holmes.

JM- How did you know I drew a moustache on him?

SM- Because I know you Jim, and won't drawing a moustache on him only make him stand out more?

JM- Oh.

SM- You're drawing moustaches on all your pictures now, aren't you?

JM- .

SM- Can I sleep now? Oh stuff it I'm too awake to go back to sleep, want to play something?

JM- Nope.

SM- What?

JM- Not bored anymore, I'm drawing moustaches on myself.

SM- But I'm awake now!

JM- No problem you can go back to sleep, for now.

SM- I hate you.

JM- No you don't.

SM- No, I don't. You're so changeable.

JM- It is my only weakness.

SM- Good night Jim.

JM- Nighty night Seb.


	2. Chapter 2

SM- Jim.

SM- JIM.

SM- James Moriarty.

JM- Yes, Sebi.

SM- why the HELL is there a brain on my dining room table?

JM- whatever do you mean Seb?

SM- There is a human brain on my table, the only person I know who would put it there is the Irish idiot I'm texting.

JM- ok, you guessed it, it was meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

JM- But really Seb I was only being nice.

SM- How is getting up, after little or no sleep thanks to YOU, and finding a human brain on my dining room table, NICE?

JM- Well I'm in Miami for two weeks…

SM- So you sent me a brain to keep me company? What were you thinking?

JM- YES, your nearly there Sebbii keep guessing!

SM- Guessing? What?

SM- Oh!

JM- Got it?

SM- Brain. Thinking. You were saying you were thinking about me.

JM- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

SM- Thanks Jim, completely gross you should have just sent me a card or something, but thank you.

JM- Love you Sebbieee!

SM- You're so soppy Jim.

JM- See you soon Seb.

SM- See you Jim.

SM- Hang on, what do I do with this brain?

JM- Send it to someone you are thinking about?

A FEW DAYS LATER. JIM OPENS A PARCEL IN MIAMI.

JM- Thinking of you to Sebbiieee xx


	3. Chapter 3

SM- Jim.

SM-Jimmy

SM-JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMYYYY

JM- Hey Sebbie.

SM- Haven't heard from you in a week, you back from Miami yet?

JM- Nope.

SM- How come?

JM- Been busy.

SM- You've found Holmes.

JM- Seb, I already know where he is…

SM- What!?

JM- … I created the game. Gosh let me finish a text why don't you(!)

SM- Oh, sorry I assumed you were talking about the real Holmes, not the picture of him in your ridiculous game.

JM- Sticks and stones Sebbie.

SM- So have you found Holmes yet?

JM- Sebbie it's only been a year, I'm still not completely sure he's actually alive.

SM- But someone is trying to dismantle your organisation.

JM- Yes, and Sherlock is more than capable of doing that without a trace, but he fell off the top of a building Seb. How can 20 witnesses and his little pet, miss an airbag or whatever he used to break the fall?

SM- They could have been actors?

JM- More than likely yes, Sherlock had to make his little pet certain that he was dead so my beautiful sniper wouldn't shoot him.

JM- But Sherlock has got sentimental, after seeing his pet in agony, why wouldn't he go tell him he was still alive?

SM- Are there snipers still on them?

JM- Where are you Seb?

SM- Umm in my kitchen.

JM- And is John Watson in sniper range?

SM- I hope not.

JM- Then there is your answer. I would only trust you with the death of John.

SM- Shouldn't someone be keeping an eye on Watson?

JM- I am.

SM- Oh, good. And going back to the earlier point, about Holmes falling. You did shoot yourself in the head and survive, so why can't Holmes survive a little fall?

JM- Are you kidding, that was the easiest death I've ever had to fake! Blank bullets, blood pack on the back of my head (why do you think I grew my hair and slicked it back?). Then I just had to play dead while Sherlock did all the crying and lying, got up, cleared up the blood, and walked away.

JM- And besides I had months to plan every detail of my death and his fall. He only had a few hours to plan his vertical flying lesson.

SM- Yeah but he's clever, maybe as clever as you. And he had the brother on his side, Holmes could have helped him.

JM- Ha! Sherlock was too proud to ask for Mycroft's help.

SM- But what if he did?

JM- I would have known! I've been keeping tabs on Mycroft since before he was keeping tabs on me.

SM- Ok.

SM- So who is trying to break up the criminal party?

JM- Sherlock!

SM- Ok now I'm confused, you said it wasn't Holmes.

JM- He's standing right in front of me.

SM- Please don't tell me you bought a cardboard cut-out.

JM- No really Seb look. SENDING IMAGE…

SM- …RECEIVING IMAGE.

SM- Crap.

* * *

A/N - OOo would you look at that, a lovley empty box, just ripe for reviewing in!


	4. Chapter 4

SM- Jim.

SM- Jim please answer me.

SM- Jim answer me NOW.

JM- Yes Sebbie.

SM- Shut-up Jim, Where is Holmes?

JM- Bit of a contradicting sentence there Sebbie, would you like me to shut up or tell you where Sherlock is?

SM- Tell me where Holmes is.

JM- About two meters away, why?

SM- Because he's supposed to be dead! And he's not.

JM- Well done Sebbie, excellent deduction.

SM- You stupid Irish … fill in the gap yourself. Do you want me to come kill Holmes?

JM- Nope.

SM- Why not?

JM- Aw is little Sebbie all disappointed?

SM- .

JM- Aw Mr grumpy face today…

SM- Jim.

JM- Yes, Sebbie?

SM- What's the plan?

JM- I'll flash him one of my charming Irish smiles, then vanish mysteriously into the streets of Miami.

SM- He hasn't seen you yet?

JM- I'm up a tree.

SM- What are you confused about?

JM- No Sebbie I'm up a tree, in the branches. Couldn't get a decent signal from where I was.

SM- Not going to be doing much 'Mysterious-ness' up a tree are you?

JM- Hmm.

JM- Signals good though. Maybe I should text Sherlock a picture of my charming Irish smile instead, then I wouldn't have to bother climbing down and doing it.

SM- He's just going to look at the photo and see you up a tree, look at the nearest tree and shoot you!

JM- Never mind he's gone around the corner now.

SM- Then get down and shoot him in the back.

JM- So violent Sebbie!

JM- And that would be no fun!

SM- Ok, Whatever your twisted mind is plotting, stop it.

JM- You're no fun.

JM- Anyway I believe I'm still your boss.

SM- Sorry Boss.

JM- Don't be sarcastic Sebbie.

SM- How did I know I was being sarcastic?

JM- I'm Psychic.

SM- You're listening to me aren't you?

JM- MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYBEEEEEEEEEEEE EEE.

JM- I didn't know you spoke the text as you were typing it, it's most amusing.

JM- Heard that.

SM- ARGH. I can't believe you bugged my flat!

JM- And that.

SM – I texted that one.

JM- Yes but I heard it before I received the text, perhaps we should just have conservations where you talk out loud and I text back! It'd save me half the phone bill!

SM- You're a genius Jim.

JM- Sarcasm doesn't suit you Sebbie.

SM- I give up, I'm going to find the bug and smash it to kingdom come.

**SOOOOOOOOOOOO what did you think? I've read It so many times I'm not even sure if it makes sense, do say if it doesn't, do say if it does!**

**You remember the gorgeous blank box below, it's just begging for the reviews to be written in it…**

**P.S If you have any ideas you want covered, if i use them i'll dedicate the chapter to you.**


	5. Chapter 5

JM- Sebbie.

JM- Sebbieeeeee.

JM-Sebbie Sebbie Sebbieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

SM- Go away.

JM- OOOoo stressie Bessie this morning.

SM- It's not morning its 23:30.

JM- Fine, I'll go talk to someone else about my genius plans.

JM- I think it's reasonable good Seb… You know you want to hear it.

SM- You're so full of yourself.

JM- Well of course I am, without that this was probably never work.

SM- Ok, tell me.

JM- Wait.

SM- For what? Jim its 23;59 no its 00:00 now, just tell me so I can go on my next job.

JM- Who's a stressie Bessie this morning.

SM- You made me wait half an hour to hear your plan, just because you wanted to me I was a stressie Bessie in the morning?

JM- Well when I called you it last night (30 minutes ago) I was told by a certain stressed bess that it wasn't yet morning!

SM- Fine, just tell me the plan, I'm leaving in half an hour.

JM- Ok, so we know Sherlock is alive yes…

SM- Yes.

JM- And that he is slowly but surely dismantling my wonderful web of criminal activities yes…

SM- Yes.

JM- And that he's probably quite likely to want me locked up or killed yes…

SM- Yes.

JM- So, I walk out into the open leaving hints so he follows me deep, deep DEEEEEEEEEEP, into the dank dark depth of the forests.

SM- Then what?

JM- Then, my dear Seb, you can run up behind him with a big butterfly net and trap him in it!

JM- Then send him to Australia or the Atlantic ocean, somewhere beginning with an A.

SM- Jim, how many packets of skittles have you eaten today?

JM- One.

SM- Jim…

JM- Ok maybe three or four…

SM- Jim!

JM- Ok, Ok, maybe seven or eight…

SM- Stop counting and just tell me.

JM- Maybe, possibly, ok definitely. I only had twelve Sebbie! I've had more!

SM- Jim?!

JM- Ok they were family size packets.

SM- JIM!

* * *

A/N: I don't own these characters they belong the AC Doyle and the BBC.

42 points to whoever got the Doctor Who reference...

You'll have to review in the pretty box to let me know xxx


	6. Chapter 6

SM- Jim.

JM- Yes Sebbie.

SM- What are we going to do about Holmes?

JM- Why? Do you have a plan?

SM- Well…no it's usually you who comes up with the genius plans.

JM- You didn't like my last genius plan.

SM- That's because it was a skittle fuelled bout of madness, and me catching him in a giant butterfly net doesn't qualify as a plan, let alone a genius one.

JM- *pouts*

SM- Jim, Holmes is a genuine threat; he's already broken down a 5th of your whole organisation. And you don't seem to care.

JM- Who me? Not care?

SM- Yes you Jim, he's taking apart all your work!

SH- Who me?

SH- Yes you read it right, hello.

JM- Sherlock! We were just discussing your impending doom.

SH- No you weren't, you were talking about skittles.

JM- Yeah ok we were. But next on the agenda… Sherlocks impending doom. Sebbie?

SM- How the heck did you get these numbers Holmes?

SH- Yellow pages.

SM- JIM! Tell me you didn't put our phone numbers in the phone directory.

JM- Might have done.

SM- But why?

JM- Well I didn't put our real names In! We are in as Seb and Jim, no surnames, that could have been anyone!

SH- But only someone who didn't want to be phoned would only put their first names, and as not wanting to be phoned after putting your phone number in a phone directory, defeats the point of said phone directory, I deduced it was you.

SM- Hang on I need to read that again, it didn't go in the first time.

JM- Oh Sebbie :D

SH- So, my impending doom.

JM- Ah yes. It's a bit annoying that you are not dead, but I wish to rectify that.

SH- Excuse me, I'm just hacking into your security.

JM- Oi!

SM- Jim, Holmes is hacking into our security.

JM- Yeah, he just told me.

SH- And I'm succeeding.

SH- Oh will you look at that I've don't it, your firewalls are rubbish Jim.

JM- Oi!

JM- Sherlock stop it! That's really annoying, you're breaking down all my communications.

SH- Correction, I've broken down all your communications. And because you're in hiding, and you can't let anyone know you are alive, there is not much you can do about it.

SM- I can shoot you.

SH- That would be very ambitious of you.

SM- I'm standing behind you.

**DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN**

**Review pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea se *High squeaky voice***

**Disclaimer – I don't own any characters.**


	7. Chapter 7

SH- No you're not.

SM- Made you look!

SH- .

SM- Oh I think Holmes is resorting to Morse code now.

SH- .-. .. ... ... -..-.

JM- Ha, I would but this is too much fun.

SM- Want me to shoot him Jim?

JM- I thought you weren't behind him.

SM- I'm not, I'm about three streets away looking for a good vantage point.

JM- Yeah you may as well.

SH- You know I am still in this conversation and I've moved so you can't shoot me.

JM- Spoil sport. Where are you Seb?

SM- Japan why?

JM- Why are you in Japan Sherlock, I only have two contacts there and they both died yesterday in a freak car accede… oh.

SH- That and I they have fast computers here, my old laptop kept overheating because I typed too quickly for it, 200 words per minute now.

SM- Gosh.

JM- Don't complement him Sebbie his heads big enough already.

SH- Anyway, love to chat more but I've got a criminal web to dismantle.

SH- Missed.

SM- Sorry Jim, he's fast at typing and running, I didn't get a decent shot at him.

JM- Oh, well other opportunities Sebbie, like using a certain net to catch certain winged insects…

SM-Jim I'm not using a butterfly net to catch Holmes!

A/N- Oh no that box is looking frightfully lonely again… I think it need some happy letters to fill its little world right up right up right uuuuuuuuuuuuup. :P

IDOSH


	8. Chapter 8

JM- Hey Sebster!

SM- *Blank look* Sebster?

JM- Thought I'd try a new nickname, don't you like it?

SM- It can't be worse than the last one.

JM- Which one was that Sebbie?

SM- You know which one Jim, the one that nearly got me arrested when you shouted at me across waterloo station!

JM- Oh THAT one :P

SM- Yes that one.

JM- Any sign of Sherlock?

SM- Nope he's gone underground.

JM- Underground? Has he decided to become a mole in a hole instead of taking down my organisation?

SM- What?

JM- You said he'd gone underground!

SM- Yes Jim, meaning he's gone into hiding, not that he's had a dramatic change of lifestyle and species.

JM- Oh.

SM- You're imagining Holmes digging with his hands and climbing into a hole now aren't you?

JM- Maybeeee, but you are too.

SM- Innocent until proven guilty.

JM- Hahaha that means you were thinking of Sherlock as a giant mole in a scarf and big coat.

SM- Yes.

JM- HAHAHAHhahahahHAHa.

SM- Jim, what are you eating?

JM- Nooooooooooooothing…

SM- Ok, what's your latest plan to kill Holmes?

JM- OoooOOOoo yes I was just going to tell you! Basically you find out where he is hiding…

SM-And blow it up?

JM- Sebbie, let me finish!

SM- Sorry.

JM- So, you find out where he is hiding, then I sneak in, in the middle of the night and put superglue on the bottom of his shoes so when he puts them on he can't move!

SM- Superglue his shoes?

JM- Yes! But you haven't heard the best bit yet!

SM- Oh dear.

JM- Then we catapult Sherlock over the Pacific!

SM- .

SM- How are we going to catapult him if his shoes are stuck to the floor with superglue?

JM- .

JM- Um.

JM- Bugger, I have to re-calculate that.

SM- Can't we just shoot him once we find him?

JM- That's a bit sour Sebbie.

SM-Sour?

JM- HOW DID YOU KNOW?

SM- How did I know what?

JM- That I was eating Sour Skittles?

SM- I didn't.

JM- Whoops.

SM- But I guess that explains a lot.

SM- How many?

JM- How many what Sebbieeeee?

SM- Packets.

JM- Maybe three.

SM- Or…

JM- Five.

SM- Plus an extra…

JM- Five.

SM- You've eaten ten packets!

JM- Ok, Eleven.

SM- You've eaten so much sugar!

JM- Aw is that my new nickname?

SM- Huh?

JM- Sugar.

SM- No I was saying how much sugar you've ea… Yes that can be you're new nickname.

A/N - Be a sugar and write me a pretty review :P IDOSH


	9. Chapter 9

JW- Hey Sarah, got any work for the clinic for me this week, I don't think I can stand just sitting at home, I do too much thinking.

SM- Who the heck is Sarah? More to the point who the heck are you?

JM- Seb! Its Johnny boy!

SM- Jim it can't be why would he have your number?

JM- OOooo maybe Sherlock put them in his phone to trick us, or him.

JW- Yeah, hello I'm still in the conversation.

JM- Oh sorry Johnny boy, how are you?

JW- Never mind me, how the hell are you texting while having a bullet through your brain?

JM- I multi-task.

SM- Or indeed the more sane option (sane for some) of him not having the bullet in his brain.

JM- Oh Sebbie, you're such a spoil sport!

JW- So you're not dead.

SM- No shit Sherlock (!)

JM- Language Sebbie, you never know who might me listening; you've got to keep a civil tongue in case this is put on a website by a crazy teenager for the world to read!

JW- So if Moriarty isn't dead, that means Sherlock could alive be too!

SM- He fell off a building Watson you really think he could survive that!?

JM- Yeah more to the point it would be annoying.

JW- So you haven't heard from him?

JM- Nope.

SM- Jim, we should probably change our numbers.

JW- And take them out of the yellow pages.

SM- JIM! Why are our numbers in the yellow pages? Again!?

JM- I was bored.

JM- Anyway John, got to be off, crimes to commit and all that.

JW- Damn, Why don't you just stop and go live in Iceland?

JM- I tried, but the frozen burgers were too uncomfy to sleep on, not to mention cold.

SM- I don't think he meant the shop Jim.

JM- Oh.

JW- Just retire and stop hurting people.

JM- Nah. Bye bye Johnny boy.

LATER ON.

SM-Jim, why didn't you tell Watson that Sherlock was alive?

JM-The last thing we need is the two of them together, they work annoyingly well as a team.


	10. Chapter 10

SM- Jim.

SM- JIM.

JM- Yes Sebbie darling?

SM- Where the hell are my clothes?

JM- Clothes?

SM- Yes Jim, all my clothes have gone. Vanished.

JM- Where?

SM- You tell me Jim.

JM- Oh Sebbie , what makes you think I took your clothes?

SM- The note saying "Hey Sebbie, I've stolen your clothes, love Jim"

JM- Oh, that would give me away.

SM- Why did you take them?

JM- Sherlock looked like he was running out of clean clothes, I felt like I should help, mainly because I was the one who stopped his alias' bank accounts.

SM- So you thought you'd give him mine?

JM-Yeah, I thought it would be a nice gesture. Shame he didn't like you're style.

SM- So where are my clothes now?

JM- Oh he burnt them. They were a bit big.

SM- Jim! Ok I'm going to have some breakfast and calm down.

JM- Ok Sebbie.

SM- Jim.

SM-JIM.

SM- Where the heck is my wardrobe?

SM- JIM, I woke up to find my clothes gone, and now I come back to my room, five minutes later, to find my whole wardrobe missing!

SM- Jim reply to me now!

THREE HOURS LATER.

JM- Sebbie I need you.

SM- When and where.

JM- Vauxhall Arches back end. As soon as you can. And bring a gun.

SM- I'll be there in ten, hold on.

TEN MINS LATER.

SM- I'm here where is the threat?

JM- What threat?

SM- The one you told me to bring a gun to eliminate.

JM- Oh I only told you to bring the gun to make you hurry up. From the building you're on look through the south side window, second from the end.

SM-…

JM- What do you see?

SM- I see you prancing around a wardrobe.

JM- Yes…

SM- Hey! That's my wardrobe!

JM- YAY! And look!

SM- My clothes! You said Holmes burnt them!

JM- Yes, well they are not the exact clothes you had, but I most of yours were hard to recognise while in smouldering ash form, I did my best to replace them.

SM- Oh.

JM- Not even a thank you?

SM- Considering it was you who gave them away in the first place…

JM- You know you love me Sebbie.

SM- Duck, now.

JM- Whoops didn't see him there, looks like one of Sherlock's men.

SM- Not even a thank you?

JM- Thank you for saving my life, I'll leave you to carry the wardrobe home.

* * *

A/N- Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooo much for the reviews of the last chapter, you guys are so nice, I only hope I can continue to make you laugh.

IDOSH


	11. Chapter 11

SH- Moriarty.

JM- Sherlock love!

SH- Where is my scarf?

JM- Your nice blue silk one?

SH- Yes.

JM- The one around my neck. The one I stole from your new flat?

SH- The master criminal resorting to stealing scarves, how did it come to this?

JM- Your fault, you were the one who jumped off the roof and made my life boring.

SH- In case you had forgotten, it was you who made me jump off the roof.

JM- Thank you.

SH- I didn't mean it as a compliment.

JM- Yes you did.

SH- I really didn't.

JM- Oh well. Gosh it's windy on the Eiffel tower.

SH- What?

JM- Look up.

SH- Why is my scarf attached to the top of the Eiffel tower?

JM- Because it looks pretty. And John is in Paris with his girlfriend so I thought that I'd give him something to remember you by.

SH- You're still spying on John?

JM- Duh.

SH- Is that why you're in Paris?

JM- Of course not, I'm here spying on you.

SH- and John?

JM- Is here on a romantic weekend break for two that he 'won'.

SH- You set this up; you're using him as leverage against me, again.

JM- Yup.

SH- To stop me dismantling your organisation.

JM- Yup.

SH- Snipers?

JM- Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

SH- Bombs?

JM- Boring old bombs? Do you really think so little of me?

SH- Knives?

JM- keep digging Sherlock.

SH- Spades?

JM- What? No, I'm not your average thug!

SH- Then what?

JM- Nets.

SH- What?

JM- can't you read? I said nets.

SH- Why nets?

JM- Because ii bought two giant butterfly nets of eBay, and now I have no idea what to do with them.

SH- You're insane.

JM- No I'm hyper, there is a difference.

SH- How is a net going to stop me?

JM- Sebbie can trap you under it, that's usually how nets work.

SM- No I won't.

JM- Sebbieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Why not?

SM- Because I'm a sniper, not a Lepidopterist.

SH- It would be a little odd, I would agree.

SM- Sorry about him, he eats too many skittles.

SH- Yeah I'm getting that picture.

JM- OI, you two, stop ganging up on me!

SM- Sorry.

SH- Just so we're clear, there will be no attacking John with a butterfly net?

SM- No.

JM- *Pouts grumpily*

SM- Go home Jim.

JM- And I thought I was in charge for a second there (!)

SH- Yeah, go get a nice cup of tea to sober you up.

SM- Oh and Holmes, when I find you, I will shoot you.

SH- That would be very ambitious of you.

SH-And that's if, not when.

* * *

A/N- IDOSH, Any comments? And don't worry I haven't forgotten the scarf. By the way, are there any other characters you would like to see/hear from?


	12. Chapter 12

Dedicated to the genius guest who reviewed and suggested this.

SH- Mycroft, Moriarty is alive, keep an eye on him will you.

MH- Alive? Are you certain.

JM- Alive and kicking baby.

MH- Could be an imposter.

JM- Oh C'mon, who else would have the guts to call you baby?

SH- Only an idiot.

JM- I think I resent that.

MH- Girls, stop fighting.

JM- Girls?

MH- Sherlock, how long?

SH- I've known for two months, I'm surprise he didn't turn up on your radar.

JM- Oh you know me, I'm so cool I work over the radar. Or is it under the radar? Whichever one can't be detected.

SH- Started well that sentence (!)

JM- It got away from me, yeah.

MH- Would you like me to re-place his security status?

JM- You could just follow me on twitter.

SH- Yes, just don't have him followed by any of your men, that Morran is very protective.

JM- That is his job.

MH- Why didn't you tell me he was alive?

SH- I just did.

MH- I mean when you first found out.

SH- Firstly because I was busy, secondly because I don't like to talk to you.

JM- Too busy mucking up my business.

MH- Yes, that certainly has been on my radar, fascinating methods Sherlock.

SH- Careful Mycroft that was almost a complement.

MH- Don't worry, I highly doubt it will last.

JM- When this frankly sickening display of brotherly affection is quite finished, I believed we were talking about me!

MH- Ah, yes. The security is now placed upon you and your… pet sniper.

JM- Optimistic, you'll never find me.

SH- I found you.

JM- You found my mobile number there is a difference, I could be anywhere in the world.

SH- You're in New York.

JM- Damn.

JM- I mean ha ha, you fell for my fake address.

MH- I have located him.

JM- Damn, again.

SH- And I want you to change John's mobile number for him.

JM- Oh yeah, Johnny boy, turns out he got my little message.

MH- Message?

SH- The scarf. You snake.

JM- Started writing in his blog again specially, I'm nearly honoured.

JM- "Hey, I know I haven't blogged in a while but something odd happened over the weekend and don't really know what to make of it. I was in Paris with my girlfriend Mary, and we were at the top of the Eiffel tower when I saw it, a scarf, it looked exactly the same as Sherlock's one. I don't think it means anything, it just reminded me of how he got when he lost his scarf. Sulky, would be the best way of describing his mood, but messy works well too. The flat would be turned upside-down to find it, though I'd always have to clear it up."

JM- Sweet. The next bit will make you chock up though.

JM- "Messy and annoying though he was, I believed and still believe in Sherlock Holmes."

JM- You crying yet?

SH- Shoot him Mycroft.

* * *

A/N- IDOSH 221 Points for whoever gets the Doctor Who reference. And some lovley prettey reviews are more than welcome...


	13. Chapter 13

SM- Hey Jim, the weirdest thing just happened to me!

JM- You came around to liking my net idea!

SM- No, I will never come around to the net idea.

JM- You bought me a kitten?

SM- A kitten? Jim you don't even like cats.

JM- Then what?

SM- Mycroft Holmes just kidnapped me in a black jag, and offered me money to spy on you for him!

JM- Sniper-napped.

SM- What?

JM- You're a sniper not a kid.

SM- O…k. Anyway he said I should give him daily updates on what you're doing.

JM- AHAHAHA, that's funny… what did you say?

SM- I said yes, have you seen how much he offered me!

JM- Sebbie!?

SM-… And I thought we could have a little bit of fun with him.

JM- Done well you have, young padowan.

SM- Thank you Master Jim.

JM- Tell him I just drew a moustache on the statue of liberty…. Actually that's quite a good idea; I was looking for something to do today.

SM- Oh Jim.

MYCROFT REPLIES TO THE TEXT JUST AFTER THE PRESEDENT OF THE USA RINGS HIM, ASKING HIM TO KEEP HIS CRIMINALS IN CHECK.

MH- Morran, I thought the whole point of Moriarty being in hiding was so that he would not be noticed, drawing a handlebar moustache on one of the most famous things in the whole of America, doesn't seem to be achieving that result.

SM- Its your fault.

MH- Pray tell, why is it my fault?

SM- You told me to tell you what he was up to, so he did something interesting.

MH- You wish me to stop paying you?

SM- You really think I need the money after working for Jim?

MH- I suppose not

JM- Hey girlies, you talking about me? Of course you are. Did you like my masterpiece Mycroft?

MH- Not your most imaginative piece.

JM- That sounds like a challenge Mycroft. I'll see what I can do.

MH- No, no, it really wasn't a challenge, don't do anything.

SM- Too late Holmes.

MH- Oh, my. I must speak with the president immediately.

* * *

A/N- IDOSH. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeese read enjoy and review, I think the review box looks lonely...


	14. Chapter 14

SM- Jim.

JM- Go away.

SM- JIM.

JM- Even criminal masterminds need their beauty sleep Seb.

SM- Jim, America just woke up to see your face on one of their most iconic statues, and you want to sleep?

JM- She needed a better face; I thought mine was the best for the job.

SM- You didn't have to super-glue it on!

JM- Well it would have fallen off otherwise.

SM- Mycroft got a phone call from the President; he's going to send a crack team of CSI agents to come kill you!

JM- He's sending crime scene investigators to come kill me?

SM- Eurgh, DAMN YOU AUTO CORRECT!

SM- I meant FBI.

JM- Why does your phone change FBI into CSI?

SM- It's gone completely bonkers since you last 'borrowed' it, I've only just managed to change it so it doesn't auto correct everything to 'skittles' and 'Chicken'.

JM- Sorry I was hungry at the time. You should be grateful I didn't change it to the first words that came into my head!

SM- I'm definitely grateful for that.

SM- But still, you have to get up!

JM- I am too tired to form any more coherent thoughts than I already have… even skittles couldn't get me up now.

SM- What would?

JM- You, with a butterfly net, as your profile picture on twitter.

SM- Fine yes, now get up!

JM- YAY! I'm up.

SM- Your helicopter is on-route to you now, be ready in five.


	15. Chapter 15

MH- He certainly rose to that challenge.

SM- Thanks for letting me know, so he could get out.

MH- I didn't.

SM- What?

MH- He hacked into my phone and sent that text.

SM- So he knew already?

MH- It would seem so.

SM- He did all that just for the net.

MH- I'm sorry?

SM- Never mind

2 MINS LATER…

SM- JAMES MORIARTY, WHEN I FIND YOU I WILL SHOOT YOU.

JM- Loving the photo Seb, you look very good as a butterfly catcher.

SM- I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

JM- That's a little harsh Sebbie, does someone need a hug?

SM- Yeah, come round to my place, SO I CAN STRANGLE YOU INSTEAD.

JM- Capital letters don't suit you Sebbie.

JM- All you have to do is change your picture.

SM- I have.

JM- Then what's the problem?

SM- You are!

JM- It was me that texted you to text me, so technically I helped you save my life.

SM- That's my point, you already knew it was coming, so you didn't need me to text you, or to bribe me into getting you out of bed. Were you even in bed at the time?

JM- Nope, I was running from Mycroft's club back to my flat so the helicopter could pick me up.

SM- Mycroft said you hacked into his phone.

JM- Well sort of, I hacked into his office with a pick axe to then borrow his phone, he said I should've just knocked.

SM- You really are insane.

JM- Sebbieeee!

JM- Yeah ok, maybe just a little.

* * *

A/N- IDOSH Hey, these were short chapters but I just stopped when it felt right (No point over egging). Thank you to BlueStrawberrylll who gave me a little inspiration in chapter 14 x


	16. Chapter 16

SH- Moriarty, may I congratulate you on coming out.

JM- Excuse me?

SH- Well after your frankly alarming display in New York, I think it highly improbable that you can stay under the radar for much longer.

JM- Oh, I thought you meant…

SH- I'm quite aware of what you thought I meant.

JM- Your brother helped me get out of the FBI's way.

SH- Sounds like a foolish thing he would do.

JM- I think I like Mycroft more than you now Sherly.

SH- I couldn't care less who you like the best. And do not call me Sherly.

JM- Sorry Locky, won't happen again.

SH- Do not call me that either.

JM- What do you want to be called, Sher?

SH- Oh, I don't know, you could try using my actual name?

JM- Sherlocky?

SH-No.

JM- Slocky?

SH- What? That's not even a name.

JM- Ocky?

SH- Now you're just being stupid.

JM- Shocky?

JM- Shock!

JM- Yeah that suits you reasonably well, I think.

JM- Gone into a sulk now have we?

SH- Unless you have too, then no, _we_ haven't

JM- Grumpy pants.

SH –Clothes are unable to have an emotional state.

JM- *Pout*

SH- Ok, now WE are sulking.

JM- YAY!

* * *

A/N- Its short but I love it. Please Review my lovelies. IDOSH


	17. Chapter 17

JM- Have you forgiven me for the net thing yet?

SM- Just about.

JM- YAY! Then will you reconsider my plan?

SM- Nope.

JM- Shame.

SM- Not really.

JM- How's the search coming along?

SM- Not bad, well yes very bad. Holmes has got to over two fifths of your organisation now, and he seems to be picking up the pace.

JM- I patched together the communications, how's that holding up?

SM- Badly.

SM- Well, not at all, to be honest chicken.

SM- Damn autocorrect.

JM- Still haven't fixed it then?

SM- No.

JM- What is he after next?

SM- Damn, he's got to the catering.

JM- Catering? That's hardly a blow to my criminal organisation.

SM- Oh Jim, that's sniper 101! "The way to a snipers heart, is through his stomach." Especially if that sniper hasn't eaten for 12 hours straight, on a stakeout.

JM- That's funny.

SM- Sorry I missed the joke.

JM- It's just; you were just saying how hungry snipers got on stake-outs. Get it?

SM- I don't follow.

JM- Well the person who decided to call it a stakeout in the first place, must have been craving a steak.

SM- Or a take-out.

JM- Hahahaha oh, yeah I get it hahahahaha.

SM- I think your madness is rubbing off on me.

JM- It's probably for the best.

SM- So where are you hiding out, until the FBI stops looking?

JM- CSI.

SM- No, that was just a spelling mistake from last time, it's the FBI who is after you.

JM- No really, the CSI New York team are going through my flat now.

SM- Oh, sorry. There weren't any important documents there?

JM- Nah. Tell you what, that Horatio's sunglasses are awesome.

SM- What? Horatio Cane is in CSI: MIAMI.

JM- OH NO! Grissom has found my butterfly collection :(

SM- It seems they've sent everyone after you.

JM- Don't worry, I've planted a small yet effective bomb, which will explode if they try and open the safe.

SM- Jim you don't even keep anything in your safe.

JM- More fool them if they open it then:D

* * *

A/N for those of you who don't watch any CSI, sorry if you didn't get the second half. To those of you who do… did you like it?

IDOSHOCSI- Translates as I Don't Own Sherlock Holmes Or CSI :D (I know it should just be I don't own Sherlock but IDOSH sounds better than IDOS)


	18. Chapter 18

A/N This one is very little, but I have done loads of writing today so I'm not going to feel too bad :D

* * *

SM-Jim, what have you chicken done to my chicken mobile?

JM- Sorry, I got bored when I borrowed your phone yesterday, and I was trying to stop myself craving a steak.

SM- I'm never bringing you on a chicken stakeout again.

SM- How do you turn autocorrect off?

JM- Oh don't, I'm enjoying this.

SM- Chicken off.

JM- Aren't the conversations just a little more civil now?

SM- You're a chicken.

JM- No I would be a cockerel, if you going to attempt to insult me, at least get the gender right.

SM- If you were trying to stop yourself craving steak, why did you change all the rude words to chicken?

JM- Because 'steak off' sounds weird, especially when you're on a steak-out. And more to the point how could I not crave steak when typing steak constantly?

JM- Chicken, I'm craving steak now.

SM- Did you change it on your phone too?

JM- Nope. Just felt the need to say chicken instead.

SM- I'm going out to buy a new phone.

JM- Spoil sport. Ok I'll come round and fix it for you x

SM- Thank you, you big chicken.

* * *

A/N This made me laugh, I'm so easily amused! Hope some of you guys laughed too x


	19. Chapter 19

JM- Rat.

SM- Excuse me?

JM- I said you're a rat.

SM- Why?

JM- Not sure, twitter told me to call you that.

SM- Um…Ok.

JM- Oh, and apparently we're getting married.

SM- Twitter told you that?

JM- Not exactly.

JM- And then I have to bow because I'm a genius.

SM- Right.

SM- I'm not marrying you.

JM- But I've already chosen the colour of the napkins and matching table cloths! :P

SM- Why do they think I'm a rat? Who did I rat on?

JM- Sebbie... you're not a spy are you?

SM- No! How can you even ask that!

JM- Just checking chicken, I had to make sure it wasn't me who was the rat, I'm the king not a cheese eating rodent.

SM- Where did this come from?

JM- Someone called Moffitiss apparently.

SM- Who the heck is that?

JM- No idea! Twitter said it made us, so I'm guessing they think it's some kind of God?

SM- Those guys are crazy.

JM- They've gone a bit bonkers I'd agree. Get the feeling they'll be better in late 2013.

SM- What makes you think that?

JM- No idea, divine intervention? Maybe its Moffitiss!

OH MY CROFT PEOPLE THE WORDS ARE OUT! Rat Wedding and Bow…


	20. Chapter 20

A/N-YES more than 50 REVIEWS! *Deep breaths* See you at the bottom.

* * *

JM- Fantabidosy.

SM- What?

JM- My new word for the day, do you like it?

SM- As long as you refrain from changing my phone autocorrect to it, then yes I love it.

JM- Yay. How was last night's stake-out?

SM- No steak involved, I was hunting an accountant not a vampire.

JM- Oh My Croft.

SM- Excuse me?

JM- Better than oh my goodness, don't you think?

SH- Only if you want Mycroft's head to get even bigger than it already is.

JM- SHERLOCK! :)

SM- What the chicken do you want Holmes?

JM- I thought fixed I your phone last night?!

SM- You did.

JM-?!

SH- I was wondering if you could give me a bit of advice.

SM- advi.

JM- HAHAhaha a bit of advice, advi. That was funny for you Seb!

SM- Are you saying I'm not funny?

JM- Not as funny as me, no.

JM- What did you want advice on my love?

SM- Your love?

SH- I was wondering which bit of your organisation has the highest level of security?

SM- Why?

JM- That would be me and my higher circle of operatives.

SM- Why?

JM- Why are you asking?

SH- Because I'm bored and feel like being challenged, but I can see now there won't be much of a challenge, so I'll leave you until last so you can see your life's work crumble around you.

JM- So dramatic. And what makes you so sure you can do that?

SM- Are you two just ignoring me?

SH- Because I know my own abilities, and since getting rid of your communications things have gone a bit pear shaped for you.

SM- Why do I bother?

JM- You're an ambitious one. Maybe I should threaten John to get you off my back.

SM- I'll do it.

SH- Ha, you can't get to John.

SM- I can.

JM- And why is that?

SH- Do you really think I'd leave my best friend without any form protection?

JM- I can get through anything.

SM- I give up.

SH- My brother sorted it out.

JM- Darn.

JM- Well maybe I'll threaten your housekeeper instead.

SH- Mycroft his handling her protection detail too.

JM- Ok I'll kill D.I Lestrade instead.

SH- Do I really have to tell you who is handling the protection of all the people I care about? Because I thought you would have guessed it was all the same person by now?

JM- *Sulks*

SH- I didn't think so.

SH- And she's my landlady, not my housekeeper.

* * *

A/N- Oh that poor review box needs some lovley letters to keep it company :P


	21. Chapter 21

MH- Jim?

JM- Since when do you call me Jim, Mycroft?

MH- Who's Mycroft? Where have you been Jim, I've missed you from I.T.

JM- :O Molly?

JM- Oh my God the weirdest things have happened babe.

MH- Where have you been?

JM- I had to leave my job, I'm sorry I didn't even get to say goodbye to you! The government started hunting me down because I have a creepy resemblance to that guy who was arrested for stealing the crown jewels!? Can you believe it? xx

MH- Oh my goodness, are you ok?

JM- I'm in hiding, it's scary, a hug from you would make me feel better. Xx

SH- She's not thick Moriarty.

JM- Oh my gawd it's that gorgeous Sherlock! You never called me :P

MH- Got it yet Sherlock?

SH- Nearly.

JM- Got what?

SH- Got it.

JM- Got whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

SH- You.

MH- You disabled your tracking systems on your mobile, turns out triangulating a signal needs three people so I offered to help.

JM- You'll still never find me.

SH- Look out your window.

JM- Damn.

MH- How many agents did you manage to get in the end?

SH- 5,000, plus helicopters.

MH- Wow!

JM- Impressive.

SH- Enjoy your life sentence.

JM- No one ever traces it back to me, and no one ever will.

SH- I did.

MH- How?

SH- What do you think I've been doing for the last three years?

JM- Knitting?

SH- You wish.

JM- Yeah, it's cold now the grapple hooks smashed through my window, you could have knitted me a scarf at least.

SH- I'll bring you one in prison.

JM- As long as you knit it yourself, and doesn't clash the colours; I have a reputation in style to keep up.

MH- Good work, dear brother, Moriarty is going to a special prison in a classified location.

JM- It's in Slough!

MH- How did you know that?

JM- I'm a master criminal…

SH- Correction, you were a master criminal.

JM- I'll be seeing you Sherlock Holmes.

MH- Does this mean you're coming back now Sherlock xxxx

SH- Yes Molly. Thank you.

MH- Anytime x

SM- Jim?

SM- Jim what's going on?

SM- Jim reply to me please.

SM- JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!

* * *

A/N – Don't worry readers there is a plan! Please review x


	22. Chapter 22

A/N- SOOOOOOORRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY I really struggled with the next chapters, I hope they're ok xx

* * *

JM- Sebbie.

SM- Jim is that you? What the heck is going on?

JM- Sherlock found my apartment, I'm in jail, temporarily, I'm still a bit bitter about that if I'm honest.

SM- I'll kill him.

JM- No he's still looking for you, stay underground (But don't become a mole, that would be unhelpful.

SM- How are you texting me, I would have thought they'd have taken your phone away from you?

JM- They did, they made the mistake of letting me onto a computer, and I'm just hacking into their phones and using my number.

SM- That's clever!

JM- Don't act so surprised Seb.

SM- How's the food?

JM- Sniper 101 eh? Its rubbish, they won't let me have a steak, or chicken, or skittles.

SM- Want me to break you out?

JM- Nah, I have a genius plan.

SM- I thought you said they didn't let you have skittles :P

JM- Exactly, that means I've got a plan that will actually work, no net's involved.

SM- Who are you and what have you done with my sugar fuelled Irishman?

JM- They gave me broccoli, It's not normal!

SM- What's your plan?

JM- Not safe to tell, Mycroft will be reading this.

SM- Well I hope he realises that I will shoot him on site when I've hunted him down.

JM- Well now you've just warned him!

SM- Oh.

JM- He would have guessed anyway.

SM- What happened to Holmes?

JM- Sherlock? He's probably looking for you.

SM- Good.

JM- Got to go, be safe Sebbie x


	23. Chapter 23

A/N- Short but sweet.

* * *

SH- John?

JW- Yes? Who's this?

SH- Oh, good I thought you might have changed your number.

JW- Sorry, who is this?

SH- Someone who wants you to be safe, Moriarty's in jail, and his sniper is more than a bit miffed and may be coming after you.

JW- Revenge?

SH- Obviously.

JW-But I didn't have anything to do with it.

SH-He knows that, but he still sees you as a threat.

JW- Tell me who you are.

SH- Time for that later, when everyone is safe.

JW- Sentiment?

SM- I'm afraid so.

JW- How did that happen?

SH- It's your fault.

JW- Good.

SH- Take appropriate precautions.

JW- In other words, take care. You too.

SH- I'm always careful.


	24. Chapter 24

JM- They gave me a phone Sebbie!

SM- Wow! How did you manage that.

JM- I gave them some information. In code. It was very amusing, they're trying to work it out now.

SM- Why in code?

JM- Because it's more interesting, and I managed to get a free phone out of it.

SM- What did you say?

JM- Shamble, dibble dobble, dooble.

SM- Which is code for?

JM- One of my bank accounts, the one that's in Alaska, and empty.

SM- Why did you give them that one?

JM- Because I like to watch them all dance.

SM- What next.

JM- I'll bargain one of my favourite snipers for a packet of skittles?

SM- Oi!

JM- Hehehe, only joking Seb :P

JM- I'll tell them where one of my hideouts is.

JM- In Latin.

SM- Do you even know Latin? I thought it was a dead language.

JM- Fine, I'll say something that sounds roughly like Latin.

SM- Mycroft can speak Latin.

JM- Oh good I wanted a chat with him. How do you know he can speak Latin?

SM- I used your software to hack into his files.

JM- You used the axe to break into his office?

SM- It was fun!

JM- I know right!

* * *

A/N Calling all readers, HELP i think i'm getting writers block and its a bit scary! Please give me any ideas no matter how small to help stop my brain from getting frozen...


	25. Chapter 25

A/N-My brain is one again fuelled with creative-ness, Thank you soooo much to everyone who suggested plans and ideas, you are all genius!

* * *

SH- Brother dear, how is your new inmate?

MH- Constantly texting his sniper about skittles, quite odd.

SH- You let him have a phone?

MH- Don't worry brother dear, each text is screened before it is sent.

SH- And you think that will stop him?

MH- You think his reference to multi-coloured balls of sugar is a code for something?

SH- No, I'm certain he just enjoys being hyper on them, but that doesn't mean he isn't sending any other messages.

MH- Do you recommend the swift removal of the phone?

SH- No, I think we can use this to our advantage.

MH- Let's meet. You do know how I despise texting.

SH- Text messages are a lot easier to scramble than a phone call. Where do you suggest we meet?

MH- 221B Baker street.

SH- .

MH- Don't worry brother, John isn't there.

SH- Morran will be keeping an eye on it… oh I've just had an idea. Meet me at Battersea power station in an hour.

MH- Take care brother.

90 MINUETS LATERZ

MH- Are you sure that is the best course of action?


	26. Chapter 26

SH- I heard they made you wear those disgusting black and white striped overalls.

JM- Sherlock! Oh My croft you have to let me out I'm dying of boredom and they won't let me have skittles.

SH- On my suggestion, we both know what you're like hyper.

JM- Come and play. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaassss e

SH- No, you're boring now.

IN SEPARATE CONVERSATION.

MH- It certainly worked, Sherlock, he is currently attempting to destroy the whole building with a HB pencil.

SH- Oh, good. Only a matter of time before he attempts a break out.

MH- Should I loosen security slightly?

SH- Don't be ridiculous, Moriarty is clever enough to get through it. Besides he'd notice the change.

MH- Right, the waiting game then?

SH- The waiting game.

SEPARATE CONVERSATION

JM- SEEEEEEEEEEEBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEE  
SM- You ok Jim?

JM- NO. I'M ANGRY.

SM- Why?

JM- BECAUSE HE IS SO ANNOYING!

SM- Who?

JM- SHERLOCK HOLMES.

SM- What are you going to do?

JM- CONTACT DONNA NOBLE.

SM- Really? It's a long time since…

JM- JUST DO IT SEB!

SM- I'm on it.

SEPARATE CONVERSATION

MH- He's asked Morran to contact Donna Noble, do you recognise the name.

SH- It's not a name.

MH- The thought had occurred, a code word?

SH- Yes, for an escape plan created in 2008.

MH- Morran did seem a bit anxious that it had been a long time since they used the plan.

SH- Keep an eye on them.

MH- Will do.

* * *

A/N- IDOSH, SOOOO What do you think? Would you like to know more? :P


	27. Chapter 27

A/N- This is one of my favourite chapters enjoy!

* * *

SM- Well that worked well. Where are you now?

JM- On a flight to Chicago. It's a good thing no one knows what you look like or you would have never got that job as my security guard.

SM- That was a good plan.

JM- You were scared stiff.

SM- Was not.

JM- Were too.

SM- Was not.

JM- You so were!

SM- I so was not!

JM- Your face was a picture of fear.

SM- I had to meet Mycroft he was creepy!

JM- Is he fat yet?

SM- How would I know? That was the first time I've ever met him! Why would he be fat?

JM- I have been paying his catering staff to use only full fat produce, seems I need to find a better method.

SM- What now?

JM- I'm going to entertain myself :D

AT SCOTLAND YARD

SD- AH, He's just as annoying as Sherlock, maybe even more!

A- You've been getting the texts too?

SD- You too eh?

A- He just keeps saying "Ha ha ha ha hahaaa, Sherlock was right and you were wroooooooooooooooooooooong… again."

SD- Same it's all "Ha ha ha ha haaaaa, you were chickens and Sherlock was right." I mean why are we chickens?

A- No idea. Eurgh I just got another one! He said "You're so thick you lowered the I.Q of the whole country LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSERRRRRRRR"

SD- He's just looking for something to laugh about now he is in jail.

A- Yeah, I feel stupid if in honest, he fooled the whole country.

JM- You are stupid Anderson, no wonder Sherlock hated you.

SD- How did you get these numbers?

JM- UM HELLOOO, master criminal here!

SD- Oh my God, Anderson he's out, Greg just called me.

JM- Who's Greg?

A- Yeah, Lestrade just sent a text out to everyone to keep an eye out.

JM- Lestrade's first name is Greg that's hilarious!

A- Go away Moriarty, you're just a sociopath.

JM- I'm not a sociopath, I'm a higher functioning psychopath, do your research.

A- I almost miss Sherlock!

SH- And I'm so nearly almost touched that you do, but not quite.

A- #?!#!?~!?##!?

* * *

A/N- If you weren't laughing or screaming at any point in that chapter, then send me a review to explain why!? Or just send me a review anyway :D


	28. Chapter 28

JW- Baker street, come at once, convenient or not.

SH- Why?

JW- Sniper shaped problem.

SH- I'll be right there.

TWO HOURS LATER.

JW- Sherlock, you don't have to do this!

SH- It's the best idea, John.

JW- Letting him see and follow you is not the best idea!

SH- Oh, would you rather I let him kill you, John (?)

JW- No, I'd just rather he didn't kill you!

SH- Ha, I'm much too clever for him! Do you really have so little faith in me?

JW- I have every faith in you.

FIVE MINUETS LATER

SH- Thank you, John.

JW- Has your nose stopped bleeding yet?

SH- Just about.

JW- I'm sorry.

SH- No you're not.

JW- Well ok. Half sorry.

SH- I did deserve it, mostly.

JW- The first punch, you did deserve yes. The second punch you didn't deserve as much.

SH- Your anger was understandable.

JW- And painful?

SH- Maybe a little.

JW- Just don't blow your nose or tilt your head back.

SH- Yes Doctor.


	29. Chapter 29

SM- Found Holmes.

JM- Good.

SM- He's in London.

JW- Threatening John worked then?

SM- I didn't threaten him.

JM- What?

SM- I didn't need to, just showed my face and Holmes came running.

JM- Clever Seb!

SM- Coming from you that is a compliment.

JM- Just kill him when you find him.

SM- What ever happened to being creative?

JM- It's been a thorn in my side far too long.

SM- You've only met about three times!

JM- .

SM- Prison has changed you!

JM- It does that.

SM-

THE NEXT DAY

JM- Found him yet Seb?

SM- Nearly. Got my package yet?

JM- What package?

TWO HOURS LATER

JM- YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Sebbie I love you, you're the best and you'll always be my most favourite sniper EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE EEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRR

SM- That's better.

SM- Did you eat all the skittles?

JM- Yes! All ten packets of family size and sour and the weird ones in the orange packets!

SM- Perhaps I shouldn't have sent so many…

JM- BUT SEBBIE I HAVE A PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAN!

SM- Do tell.

JM- Basically, you find Sherlock and bring him to me and I can make him cookies!

SM- Cookies?

JM- Yes!

SM-Cookies?

JM- Yes Seb cookies!

SM- Why?

JM- BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO!

SM- You're not people though, you're a criminal mastermind.

JM- Oh… Yeah…

JM- Ok I take it back. You find him, lure him DEEEP DEEP DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP into the forests and then kill him.

JM- Oh and bring me his heart in a wooden chest.

SM- You've been watching Snow White haven't you?

JM- AND I WILL BE THE FAIREST IN THE LAND!

SM- I'm glad you're better.

JM- I think it was the broccoli that made me unnaturally serious for a moment there!

SM- Phew!

* * *

A/N- 100 reviews! Thank yooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooou!


	30. Chapter 30

A/N- Fifty points to whoever guesses what happened next in Seb's story before they read it…

* * *

SM- The weirdest thing just happened!

JM- What? Sherlock got away from you again? No sorry that's not weird at all IT'S BEEN HAPPENING CONSTANTLY!

SM- I nearly caught him!

JM- How nearly?

SM- Well that's where it gets weird.

JM- Do tell.

SM- Well I had tracked him down to Dorset, and cornered him in an old fishing warehouse!

JM- A fishing warehouse? Why was he at an old fishing warehouse?

SM- I have no idea! Anyway, he nearly escaped twice, and the only thing to hand to catch him was a giant fishing net!

JM- …

JM- PAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH HHAA!

SM- Yeah, let it out Jim.

JM- PHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

SM- over it yet?

JM- Not quite

JM- Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa

JM- Yup, over it.

SM- Liar.

JM- Yeah ok I'm not, but I will stop laughing in text form.

SM- Thank you.

JM- HA!

JM- Sorry :D

JM- So what happened next?

SM- Well he was under the net, but he got a gutting knife and cut it, then tried to stab me but I deflected it, then he ran away.

JM- Ran away? You let him run away?!

SM- I was a bit… unconscious.

JM- He knocked you out? With what?

SM- I knew the net idea was bad from the start.

JM- The net strikes again!

JM- Poor Sebbie x

* * *

A/N- Was that ok, I mean I laughed but I dont know if it was funy or not ?


	31. Chapter 31

SM- Jim, Stop it please.

JM- Stop what my love?

SM- Sending me fishing nets! Just because I used one ONCE by accident does not mean I will ever do it again.

JM- You love them really.

SM- The first one was nice, granted. But after parcel number 25 I got a little annoyed, what am I supposed to do with 25 fishing nets?

JM- Ummm fish?

SM- I don't even like fish!

JM- Catch butterflies?

SM- No!

JM- OOOO I've got it! Catch butterfly fish!

JM- I am a genius!

SM- Oh dear.

SM- Jim, what am I supposed to do with them?

JM- Hang, on I'll come and get them, I have a great idea!

SM- What is it?

JM- You'll find out soon, I promise.

TWO HOURS LATER

JW- MORIARTY!

JM- Yes Johnny boy?

JW- I woke up to find myself in 24 huge fishing nets, I know it was you!

JM- I thought you'd feel safer in a cocoon of net-ness.

JW- You thought wrong. It took me twenty minutes to cut myself free with a fork!

JM- YOU CUT MY NETS?!

JW- I had to pee!

JM-YOU NEARLY PEE'D IN MY NETS AND THEN YOU CUT THEM?!

JW- You put me in them in my sleep, I think you take the creepy high ground, thanks!

JM- Why thank you!

* * *

A/N- I know, I'm sorry it's been nearly ten days! I dropped my laptop (Doh!) and only just got it back today! Hope this chapter made you laugh x


	32. Chapter 32

SH- Have you recovered from the net incident yet?

JW- You heard about that then?

SH- I thought you would have realised by now.

JW- Realised what?

SH- That I know everything.

JW- Glad to know you haven't gained any modesty in the past years.

SH- Problem?

JW- None at all.

JW- When are you coming home?

SH- Who knows?

JW- I thought you knew everything :P

SH- Ok, mostly everything.

SH- With the many variables involved to consider, it is impossible to estimate.

JW- Soonish?

SH- With Moriarty still at large, and guessing "Soonish" means within the next few months, probably not no.

JM- Are you calling me fat?

JW- He said you were "Still at large" not that you _were_ large.

SH- Large headed maybe.

JM- OI!

JW- Was that a compliment to his large intelligence?

JM- Yay!

SH- I was referring to his large forehead!

JM- Oi! AGAIN!

JW- Maybe we shouldn't annoy him, he still has the sniper!

JM- "Him" has a name you know.

SH- Morran?

JM- I meant I have a name, unless you've deleted me already!

SH- I wouldn't worry about Morran. For an excellent sniper he's a terrible shot.

SM- Hey! I heard that!

JM- He has a point Sebbie, how many times have you missed Sherlock now?

JW- Twice?

SM- Once.

SH- At least three times all together, actually.

JM- I thought it was four!

SM- Who's side are you on Jim?!

JM- You have missed him a lot my love!

SM- He's quick on his feet, and unpredictable. Other than him I have a perfect record.

JM- You wait, he'll sulk for the rest of the day now.

JW- Sounds like Sherlock.

JM- The Sulkies.

JW- Nice one, very accurate.

JM- Why thank you.

SH- We are still here you know.

SM- We are still here you know.

JM- Sorry Sulky Sebbie.

JW- Sorry Sherlock.

SH- .

JM- Sherlock is sulking now isn't he?

JW- You guessed right.

JM- Sulky Sherlock :D

* * *

A/N - HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Read and review, but most importantly laugh :D (But don't force yourself if you didn't find it funny)


	33. Chapter 33

SM- Hey Jim are you ok?

JM- Yes fine, absolutely fine, I'm not doing anything, nothing at all, just reading, yes, reading a book, and a newspaper.

SM- What are you up to?

JM- Who me? I'm not up to anything! Why would you say such a thing? I'm never up to anything, not ever, I'm just reading a Westwood catalogue.

SM- I thought you were reading a book, and also a newspaper? And now a catalogue?

JM- I'm very good at multi-tasking, I'm in touch with my feminine side.

SM- You are a terrible liar, Jim.

JM- Who me? I'm not lying, just making a snack, while reading an interview on my phone.

SM- So you're reading a book, a newspaper, a catalogue, making a snack and reading an interview on your phone.

JM- What can I say, I'm very feminine, lots of multi-tasking.

SM- Tell me.

JM- No.

SM- Yes!

JM-No! It's a surprise!

SM- A "I'm going to ask you to shoot someone you don't like" kind of surprise or an "I made you a pie" kind or surprise?

JM- Pie? Who said anything about a pie? Not me, no pie here! Especially no pie with banana and toffee, that so happens to be called a BANOFFEE PIE.

JM- Damn.

JM- You ruined the surprise Sebbie!

SM- You didn't have to tell me!

JM- I was excited!

JM- Soooooooooorryyy…

JM- Happy Birthday Sebbie!

SM- Sorry I ruined the surprise, and thank you.

JM- What can I say, you are my most favouritest sniper ever :D

* * *

A/N- I don't own Sherlock. To banoffe pie lovers everywhere :P


	34. Chapter 34

JM- Sebbvbie!

SM- Since when has my name had a v?

JM- Sincebn I strated b typing with bby bnose!

SM- Why are you typing with your nose?

JM- Booooorewde.

SM- you're bored?

JM- yespo

JM- uts harder than I thyi9u8ght it woulds be, especially withb sucvhb small kets !

SM- Is there a specialist translator I could hire for this particular conversation?

JM- c'mom Sebvie b join the slightly battered nose club.

JM- we've got matching bruises,#

JM- swee look I'm getting bwetter var it. or I was befoe I put a plaster on my nose.

SM- Why did you need a plaster? How long have you been doing this?

JM- I've been textinjyg Sherlock for 6 hours.

SM- Don't tell me he's been typing back with his nose!?

JM- don't be silly.;

JM-He's bee typing with his elboew3.

SM- He has three elbows?

JM- igf fghuiu7y6trfrt.

SM-Sorry what? I didn't understand that at all!

JM- Sorry I had an itchy nose, the keyboard was the closest thing at the time.

SH- bn bnghvfcxbgjkjmuhgfrgthyju.

JM- Itrchy elbow Sherloock?

* * *

A/N- Yes I really did type everything of Jim's with my nose! and Sherlock's with my elbow! (I was bored(slightly brused nose now.))


	35. Chapter 35

SM- Hey Jimmy, I haven't heard from you in a while, what are you up to?

JM-Watching Merlin.

SM- For nine days?

JM- I can do magic now.

SM- Really?

JM- Really!

SM- How?

JM- Well I haven't slept for nine days, and then things started levitating in front of my eyes!

SM- Like magic?

JM- Just like magic! It was incredible!

SM- What do you think was making them levitate?

JM- MY EPIC MIND POWERS!

SM- How did you keep yourself awake for nine days?

JM- Coffee, lots of coffee.

JM- I had to order more coffee from ASDA and have it delivered, I drank so much!

SM- And you're are sure you weren't hallucinating?

JM- NOOOOOOOOOOOO ITS MAGIC SEBBIEEEEEEE!

SM- Should I come round?

JM- TO SEE MY MAGIC POWERS! YES!

SM- Ok, I will come and see your "Magic" soon.

MANY MANY HOURS LATER

JM- Seb, what is going on, I just woke up surrounded by empty coffee cups strewn around the room, I think I threw some, there are shards of china everywhere! And I keep needing to pee!

SM- Don't you remember?

JM- Remember what?

SM- I take that as a no, basically you had nine days without sleep, fuelled by Haribo and coffee, you thought you had magic…

JM- Why don't I remember that?

SM- I came round and gave you something to help you sleep, you kept shouting EXPELLIARMUS whenever I came near you with it.

JM- What the heck does that mean?

SM- It's from Harry Potter.

JM- But I haven't read the books or seen the films.

SM- You have read the books, they were on your floor, the pages were turned over in the corner from where you had got up to get more coffee.

JM- Oh, I must have read them last night.

SM- You can't have read seven books in one night!

JM- Why not?

SM- Because they're big books.

JM- Um, hello, who's the genius here?

SH- Hello, that's me.

JM-GO AWAY.

SM- You are telling me you read seven books in one night.

JM- Must have done, if it had taken me longer than that I would have remembered bits, but your drugging thing made me forget the past four hours.

SM- Wow.

JM- I NEED TO PEE! THIS IS LIKE THE SEVENTH TIME!

SM- Hehehhee.

* * *

A/N- SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRR RYYYYYYYYYYYY UNi is insane and busy and crazy, i wrote this while half asleep, i'll do better next time LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOU :D or IOU ? :P


	36. Chapter 36

JM-SEBBBBBBBBBBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEE

SM- Yes Jim.

JM- Punch me in the face.

SM- What?

JM- Can't you read, I said punch me in the face.

SM- I usually want to punch you in the face, but you are normally many miles away and my arm doesn't stretch that far.

JM- Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaseeee 

SM- Why do you want me to punch you in the face?

JM- I realised I've never been punched in the face, I want to see what I'm missing!

SM- You're not missing out on much. I thought you were bullied in school?

JM- The bullies at my school were more into wedgee's and swirlies…

SM- I preferred tying the little kids shoe laces together without them noticing, you have no clue how entertaining it is seeing ten or fifteen kids falling over at the end of a lesson :D

JM- OOOO I've never had that done either!

SM- Anyone ever tell you, you're insane?

JM- Sherlock, John, you, should I go on?

SM- No that's ok, I got the picture.

JM- Come around and punch me pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase :D

SM- You'll regret it, but ok, I'm just finishing something and I'll see you in a few hours.

JM- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

….FOUR HOURS LATER….

JM- Ouch…

SM- Ah, you're conscious!

JM- Oww, how long have I been out?

SM- About an hour and a half, I had to go finish a job and you didn't look like you'd be awake anytime soon. Where are you?

JM- On the floor, my phone was in my hand so I didn't have to get up.

SM- You'll probably get a black eye.

JM- You didn't have to punch me that hard!

SM- You asked for it! Literally!

JM- Hmmmm, that's true.

SM-How's your head?

JM- Spinning less.

SM- Don't hurt yourself.

…

JM- MY NOSE!

SM- What about your nose?

JM- I just fell on it!

SM- Why?

JM- You tied my shoe laces together!?

SM- I couldn't help myself :S

JM- You're the best Sebbie :D

JM- But don't do it again.

* * *

A/N- Thought i'd give you two chapters tonight, becuase I'm in a nice mood :P


	37. Chapter 37

MH- Hey Sherlock, it's John, Hope everything's ok?

MH- I'm using Molly's phone because I've lost mine, have you seen it?

SH- Shh, I'm concentrating.

MH- On what?

SH- Motorhead.

MH- What?

SH- Ace of spades, I'm determined to get 100%, but I can't get past 99%, I think your phone is faulty.

MH- You're playing the Rock Band app on my, phone? I thought you hated that kind of music, no wait how did you get my phone ?!

SH- I was bored and so I thought I'd steal your phone, you were reading a newspaper when I took it, you really are very unobservant!

MH- No, wait, hang on, are you saying you stole my phone from right under my nose?

SH- Don't be stupid John, who would keep their phone under their nose? It was on the arm of your armchair.

MH- I can't believe you stole my phone!

SH- Why not? You must realise that I'm more than capable.

MH- It's not very nice Sherlock!

SH- YES 100% on the "Crazily impossible" setting! I am a "Rock god" apparently.

SH- I can practically see you rolling your eyes John.

MH- The Rock God is psychic too.

SH- Look to your left.

JW- How the heck did my phone get there?

SH- I'm a Sociopathic, psychic, super-fast, invisible, rock god, what can I say?

* * *

A/N- How was that? Please review I dont own SherlocK!


	38. Chapter 38

GL- John, what's happening, I haven't seen you in ages?

JW- I've been very very busy.

GL- Good, I'm glad you're not missing Sherlock as much anymore.

JW- Not missing him at all actually!

GL- Oh.

JW- He really was very annoying!

GL- Are you feeling ok John?

JW- Fine thanks, Sherlock was a bit of an idiot actually :P

SH- Now John, that's taking it too far!

JW- Sorry I couldn't resist : D

SH- And stop with those ridiculous sideways faces.

GL: Sherlock?'#!"'~ !?#?

SH- Calm down Lestrade, I'm quite entitled to my opinion of stupid sideways faces.

JW- I think Greg's outburst was more due to the fact that you forgot to tell him you were alive, as opposed to your opinion on text emotions, Sherlock.

SH- Oh, right.

SH- Lestrade I'm alive.

SH- Happy John?

JW- Yes, mostly :D

SH- You're just trying to annoy me now!

JW- Maybe a bit.

SH- I think Lestrade is in shock.

JW- I think so too.

SH- I think you should punch him, and see what happens.

JW- I'm on the other side of London!

SH- And?

JW- And, I don't think I'm really in the mood to be arrested for punching a police officer (again).

SH- The first time was entertaining!

JW- We were running for our lives at the time!

SH- Exactly, much more interesting than watching crap telly.

GL- What? Why? How? Whaaaaat?

SH- What, only has one A Lestrade, and you repeated it twice.

JW- Sherlock…

SH- WHaaaaat? :P


	39. Chapter 39

JM- SEBBBBBBBBBBBBBBIEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E.

SM- Bored?

JM- What gave me away?

SM- The capitals, and multiple letters.

JM- You know me well Sebbie, Want to blow up London with me?

SM- Nope.

JM- Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

SM- Because I'm in London, and being blown up hurts.

JM- Fine. New York?

SM- I think you've probably done enough to New York for the time being, they still have half your face superglued to the statue of liberty.

JM- Heheehehe, I used extra strong glue :P

SM- Yeah, more tourists than ever though!

JM- Really! THEY LOVE MY FACE!

SM- They love half of your face.

JM- :D

JM- Paris?

SM- I like Paris!

JM- No I meant, do you want to blow it up with me?

SM- Have they fixed the Eiffel tower yet?

JM- From when I accidentally dropped the huge tub of highly corrosive acid on it?

SM-Yeah.

JM- No.

SM- Then we should probably leave them alone too.

JM- Scotland?

SM- To cold.

JM- Moscow?

SM- Its minus 21°c there today!

JM- China?

SM- they've got enough power to get you back.

JM- You are so booooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooring!

JM- Boooooooooooooooooooooooring 

JM- Boooooooooooooring!

SM- I just don't think there is any need to blow stuff up today!

JW- How about that newsagents on the corner of your road that didn't let you buy beer because you didn't have your I.D?

SM- Lets do it!

SM- But can we steel the beer first?


	40. Chapter 40

SM- Jim.

SM-Jim.

SM- James Molarity answer your phone.

JM- Hi Sebbie :D

SM- Don't "Hi Sebbie" me.

SM- What the heck have to done to my flat?

JM- Improved it, to better represent the seasonal themes of coming events.

SM- You've decorated my flat, with Christmas stuff!

JM- That's what I just said.

SM- I hate Christmas.

JM- Bah, humbug :P

SM- Shut up! I can't move for paper chains and snowflakes! How will I ever get to my sofa with that inflatable Santa?

JM- Well you haven't exactly been a good boy this year so I doubt you'll see him in real life.

SM- Real life?

JM- Yeah, Santa won't come and give you stuff because you've killed lots of people this year.

SM- On your orders…

JM- Yeah, well, I threatened him years ago so he never ever misses me out anymore.

SM- What? You mean…you really do believe in Santa.

JM- C'mon Sebbie, don't be silly! Everyone knows Santa is real, they just tell the children he doesn't so that they can keep all their presents for themselves!

SM- Why would parents want to have stupid kid's toys?

JM- Have you never been in a toy shop Sebbie…

SM- No.

JM- And I thought I had a misused childhood, not knowing I could pay other people to make explosives for me…

JM- Sebbie we're going shopping.

SM- NO.

TWO HOURS LATER AFTER JIM HAD LITERALLY DRAGGED SEB INTO THE BEST TOY SHOP IN LONDON.

JM- So?

SM- What?

JM- Did you enjoy your first experience of a toy shop?

SM- No.

JM- You're lying.

SM- Am not.

JM- Are too.

SM- Am not!

JM- Are too, I saw you buy that transformer, and the skipping rope and the marbles aaaaaaaaaaaand the model helicopter !

SM- They were for work!

JM- Marbles?

SM- In case I run out of bullets.

JM- Skipping rope?

SM- To tie someone up if they were trying to run.

JM- Model helicopter?

SM- To distract my target.

JM- Transformer?

SM-Umm….


	41. Chapter 41

JM- HAPPY NEW YEAR SEBBIEE!

SM- Jim, New Year was four days ago!

JM- It's still a new year, technically it'll be a new year until next year, and then that'll be the new year and this will be the old one :D

SM- Right.

JM- Left.

SM- What?

JM-When?

SM- When What?

JM- What when when what?

SM- What when when what when?

JM- What? That didn't even make sense.

SM- I didn't make sense? You started it!

JM- What?

SM- When?

JM- When what?

SM- What when when what?

JM- What? OOOOOOOOOOh reverse psychology, It seems taught you well Sebbie :P.

SM- Thank you master Yoda.

JM- Grateful for your thanks I am.

SM- What did you do for new year?

JM- What do you mean?

SM- I mean did you do anything fun for New Year?

JM- You mean you didn't see it?!

SM- See what?

JM- I blew up London with thousands of fireworks!

SM- That happens every year Jim, it's a show.

JM- A show? No.

SM- Yeah it is.

JM- Really?

SM- Nothing was destroyed, it was just fireworks.

JM- Damn. I knew that blond floppy haired bloke was dodgy.

SM- Blond? Do you mean Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London?

JM- Probably. He seemed a little too happy that I offered to pay for explosives; I just thought he wanted to destroy London too.

SM- The master criminal got played by a blond hahahahaha.

JM- I thought the explosions were a little colourful.

SM- HAHahahahahahaHAHAHA

JM- They were nice though.

SM- HAhaha Yeah that's true, Hey Jim you probably made thousands of peoples year.

JM- Ergh that means I was actually doing something nice…

SM- Like when the Grinch gave back Christmas.

JM- I feel dirty.

Sorry it's been so long, Happy new year x


	42. Chapter 42

JM- I'm staring at you.

SH- I know, can you stop its off-putting.

JM- You love it really.

SH- I really don't.

JM- Spoil sport.

SH- Stop it.

JM- Stop what dear?

SH- The Macarena, it's off-putting.

JM- You love it really.

SH- Yes.

JM- Really!

SH-No.

SH- Go away.

JM- HUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM.

JM- HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU MMMMMMM.

JM-BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUM.

JM- CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM.

JM- GLUUUUUUUUUUUUUM.

JM- PLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU MM…B

SH- Interesting. Now stop.

JM- Why so glum bum chum, here have a plum and huuuuuuuum.

SH- You're bored.

JM- Brilliant deduction, I knew you were a proper genius.

SH- Go eat some more multi-colours small sweets and annoy someone else.

JM-SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS !

SH- What have I done?

JM- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA MMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEE EEEE SKKIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLL LEEEEEESSSSSSSSS.

SM- Jim calm down, Holmes what were you thinking?

JM- OOOORRAAAANGEEEEEEE ONNNNNNNNEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS !

SH- He was annoying me Morran!

SM- He's been clean for two weeks now!

JM- BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEE OOOOOOONEESSSSSSS.

SM- Jim there isn't any blue ones.

JM- NOT YET.

SM- You deal with this Holmes or I'll shoot you in the head with a newly created blue skittle.

SH- Fine.

SH- Jim.

JM- SHHHERRRRLLY BAAAAAAAAAABYYY HELP ME MAKE BLUE SKITTLESESS.

SH- No.

JM- I'm pouting now, why not BLUE MUST BE MADE!

SH- That would be a mistake, to allow you anywhere near pure concentrations of E-Numbers would be insane. If not suicidal in your case.

SH- But I will…

JM- OOOO I'M GOING TO ENJOY THIS…

SH- …Do the Macarena with you if you calm down.

JM-…

SM- Wow it worked!

JM-…

SH- It would seem so.

JM-…

JM- OH MY CROFT.

A/N- Hehehe I couldn't resist. I'm running on low power and have a craving for skittles.

HEY HEY HEY THIS IS NUMBER 42! 42 the meaning to life the universe and everything! (Sorry I'm over it :D )


	43. Chapter 43

SM- Chicken.

JM- Huh?

SM- Ahhhh that auto correct again! I'm trying to insult you and my phone keeps changing it to chicken!

JM- But I thought your old phone did that?

SM- It did, because you re-programmed it, I don't see why this one should suddenly start, unless…JIM!

JM- It wasn't me!

SM- You did it the first time!

JM- Oops I did it again…

SM- Stop singing Britney Spears.

JM- Sorry I felt the vibe.

SM- You've got it in my head now!

JM- Sorry.

SM- You are pretending to be a singing school girl now aren't you…

JM- Maybe…

SM- Please tell me I'm not your backing dancer this time…

JM- You're not.

SM- Oh good.

JM- You're my backing vocals yay!

SM- Oh God.

JM- My my Sebbie you look smashing :P

SM- Stop it!

JM- Sorry.

JM- SORRY!

SM- Gone?

JM- Yes, that daydream is stored safely away for future torture and humiliation :P

SM- Great(!)

* * *

A/N - Hey sorry its been so long, I feel bad about it. Wrote this on the bus :D


	44. Chapter 44

JM- Sebbbiieee.

SM- What?

JM- Do you know what?

SM- No.

JM- Oops…

SM- No Jim don't do it.

JM-…I did it again…

SM- No please Jim I've had in in my head for the past week!

JM- …I played with your heart, got lost in the game…

SM- Ahhhhhhhh

JM- …oh baby baby…

SM- Ok this is war.

JM- …Oops you think I'm in love…

JM-…That I'm sent from above…

SM-…

JM- Oh no!

SM- Eh, sexy lady, Op, op, op, op, Oppa Gangnam Style

JM- No stop!

SM- Jeongsukhae boijiman nol ttaen noneun yeoja Ittaeda sipeumyeon mukkeotdeon meori puneun yeoja Garyeotjiman wenmanhan nochulboda yahan yeoja Geureon gamgakjeogin yeoja.

JM- WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

SM- Op, op, op, Oppa Gangnam Style

JM- It's in my head, idnfisjbfhisjdnhkisj.

SM- keyboard explosion?

JM- I'm Arfiad taht snog has Klield me…

SM- Now you know how I feel :D

JM- I'm sorry.

SM- Just don't do it again!

JM- Sorry

SM-That's ok.

JM- So call me…maybe.

SM- Don't push it.


	45. Chapter 45

SM- Jim.

JM- Yes Sebbie.

SM- Where are you?

JM- Hospital why?

SM-What why are you in hospital are you ok?

JM- Yep fine, I was just craving grapes.

SM- How does being in hospital get you grapes?

JM- Sherlock has already brought me some this morning. I assume it was him it did have a note saying "Don't get well soon SH x" on it but I can only make an educated guess at this point.

SM- But you're not hurt or ill so why would he get you grapes?

JM- Tradition?

* * *

SH- I hate grapes.

JW- I know you hate grapes, that's why they're never allowed in the flat.

SH-Hmmmm never?

JW- Well surely I'm allowed them when you're not even in the flat?

JW- Sherlock, did you take the grapes I bought this morning from the kitchen?

JW- Where are they now?

JW- Sherlock!

SH- Small intestine? You won't want them back.


	46. Chapter 46

SM- Just found a penny!  
JM- lucky you, I just lost one.  
SM- what a weird coincidence!  
JM- it was my favourite penny too, I ate it twice by accident and had to wait for ages to get it back!  
SM- That's disgusting, it must have been a very special penny!  
JM- yeah it was, it was a limited edition 1p with my face on it!  
SM- what? How did you manage to convince the queen to give up her side of the coin?  
JM- threaten the corgis, works every time!  
SM- that's really mean!  
JM- said the sniper...  
SM- but they're only little doggies!  
JM- But for the sake of my face!  
SM- why a 1P? Surely a £1 or £2 coin would be better!  
JM- well that was my original idea but I had to haggle with the queen to get the 1p and I didn't have an hour to spend haggling to get higher, so I took what I could!  
SM- you haggled with the queen? That's nearly as funny as her jumping out of that plane at the 2012 Olympics ;D  
JM- she's annoyingly good at haggling when corgis are at stake.  
SM- hey the queen looks funny on the 1p I found, it's a bit dirty, I'll clean it on my jumper.  
SM- Jim, I've found your coin.  
SM- I also think I've wiped the coin that's been in your toilet twice on my favourite jumper.  
JM-Yay!

* * *

Sorry guys that was gross but I love a bit of toilet humour. Sorry if I'm taking long between uploads but I need to wait for inspiration otherwise they'd be crappier than they are already!  
And no I haven't eaten a 1p, that wasn't my inspiration :D


	47. Chapter 47

JM- Bored.  
SH- ...  
JM-Bored Splored.  
SH-Splored is not a word.  
JM- I couldn't think of anything else that rhymes with bored.  
SH- There are at least 170 words in the English language that rhyme with bored.  
SH- Don't be such a Smartie pants Sherlock.  
JW- Mrs Hudson gave him some Smartie print pants for Christmas, he wasn't impressed.  
SH- Shut up John.  
JM- Smartie pants Smartie pants.  
JM -Go on then "Mr Smartie pants for Christmas Holmes", what rhymes with bored.  
SH- Chord, floored, horde, roared, fjord, sword and ward are seven of the 170 I could say but can't be bothered to.  
JM- I was bored so I soared over the fjord with a sword that I did horde, then roared a chord got floored and ended up in a ward.  
JM- I'm being ignored.  
JM- I cannot afford to reward you with my time.  
JM-Hey that rhymes too!

Heheheehee how many rhymes? That was fun :)


	48. Chapter 48

JM- Have you got a deerstalker hat I could borrow?  
SH- Why?  
JM- Fancy dress party, I want to go as you!  
SH- ...  
JM- The theme is dead men; pretty sure I'll get a prize this year.  
JM- last year I wrapped myself in toilet paper and went as a Mummy, but no one got it, they just thought I got drunk and wrapped myself up by accident.  
JM- I mean I did get drunk and wrap myself up by accident, but luckily I was at a fancy dress party so I thought no one would notice.  
SH- It wasn't my hat.  
JM-I thought The Yard gave you one!  
SH- I threw that thing out the window.  
JW- Yeah he nearly knocked me out with it!  
JM- Oo death Frisbee I like it!  
SH- Just buy one off the Internet like everyone else.  
SM- DON'T SAY THAT! He goes crazy and starts buying butterfly nets when he does Internet shopping!  
JM- Hehehehe.  
SM- See what you've done now Holmes, he just ordered enough skittles to fill a swimming pool!  
JM- I can swim in a rainbow!  
SH- Is it possible to drown someone in a pool of E-numbers?  
SM- I think we should try.


	49. Chapter 49

JW- Sherlock, there seems to be a finger in my post.  
SH- Oo how interesting what kind of finger?  
JW- human, Caucasian, male, looks cut off by a small blade it's messy so it wasn't a sharp knife.  
JW- For goodness sake it has a note in the envelope "Love from Jim"  
SH- So that's where he sent it.  
JW- What?  
SH- Moriarty asked for my current address obviously I wouldn't give it to him so he sent it to the flat. Honestly John how could you be so unobservant as to not see the note?  
JW- I was a bit preoccupied by the bloody finger actually!  
SH- Boring, just send it back.  
JW- Fine.

JW-Sherlock.  
SH- I know.  
JW-There is hundreds of them!  
SH-It's a threat.  
JW- A threat?  
SH- Clearly a threat.  
JW-Even the roses?  
SH- Especially the roses.  
JW- So a finger in the post is boring, and 300 odd bunches of flowers in my living room are a threat.  
SH-Clearly.


	50. Chapter 50

JM- Sherlock.

SH- Go away.

JM- Technically I'm not anywhere near you so I can't actually go anywhere away.

SH- What do I have to do to make you stop texting me them?

JM- Play eye spy with me!

SH- No.

JM- Eye spy with my little I, something beginning with S…

SH- Shut up and stop texting me, I'm busy.

JM- Nope not Shut or Stop, it's a thing dearie not a word!

JW- Sherlock!

JM- John I didn't know you were playing and YAY you got it!

SH- I'm not a thing, I'm a person.

JM- But you do begin with S so it still counts, your go!

SH- G.

JM- Giraffe!

SH- O.

JM- Omelette?

SH- A.

JM- Apple?

SH- W.

JM- Watson!

SH- A.

JM- A again?

SH- Y.

JM- ummm.

SH- Read it back.

JM- G.O..A.W.A.Y?

SH- Yes do.

JM- Ooooooooohhhh It's like an acrostic poem!

JM – I can do those!

JM- S - Sexy

JM-H- Hairy

JM-E- Elderly.

JM-R – Raccoon.

JM-L – Loosing.

JM-O - Old

JM-C – Camel.

JM-K – Knitwear.

JM – Like it?

JM- Sherlock?


	51. Chapter 51

JW- Sherlock, more post for you here.

SH- Please no more!

JW- At least we're on C.

SH- Is it a camel?

JW- No, it's small, like a jar.

SH- He wouldn't.

JM- Ooo I would.

JW- Yup its camel spit, in a jam jar.

JM- Don't you just love 3D acrostic poems.

JW- I can't say I enjoyed the dead racoon posted through my door no.

SH- Or the torrents of wigs, Mrs Hudson opened by mistake.

JW- Or that elderly woman's walking stick from down the road, she hit me with it and accused me of theft!

JM- Hehehhehee.

* * *

JW- Looks like we're on K.

SH- More post?

JW- Yeah, but its addressed to me?

JW- What did he say K was?

SH- Knitwear.

JW- WOW JUMPERS!

JM- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

JM- Do I have excellent timing or what?

SH- You send him jumpers?

JM- Jealous?

SH- No.

JM- Well I was going to send you a sheep but I thought this was better :D


	52. Chapter 52

JM- Umm help.

SM- Why? what did you do?

JM- Why do you always assume I've done something wrong?

SM- Because you usually have…

JM- Name one!

SM- I can name at least 52.

SM- For example, when you stuck YOUR OWN FACE on the statue of liberty – it was funny I admit- but wrong.

JM- Hehehe Mycroft's face!

SM- It was a classic.

JM- I am technically a master criminal, I wouldn't be fulfilling my job description if I was good all the time!

SM- True.

JM- Oooo foey.

SM- Foey?

JM- I've forgotten why I needed help.

SM- Can't have been that important then.

JM- I'm pretty sure it was quite important; I can't feel my feet…

SM- Why not?

JM- Not sure.

SM- Ok where are you?

JM- Looks like a tree…

SM- A tree?

JM- OOo I Hyde Park!

SM- Ok, I'm here, any other clues apart from park and tree?

JM- It's not a treasure hunt Sebbie!

SM- You're right, you certainly don't count as treasure.

JM- Oi! I'm a little gem!

SM- There are some tourist backing away from that tree over there, is that something to do with you?

JM- OOOO I REMEMBER!

SM- You've tied your ankles to a tree branch…

JM- I was pretending to be a bat!

SM- Why?

JM- I wanted to know what it was like.

SM- Hang on I'll be right over, give me a minuet.

JM- Ok.

SM- Perhaps you should have pretended to be an elephant instead.

JM- Why?

SM- Because elephants never forget.

JM- Forget what?

SM- Oh for goodness sake.

* * *

A/N- HUGE thank you to everyone who's read, reviewed and even taken a passing glance to this story! I owe you so much! xx

IDOSH

P.S- Pass on things/ people you want to see, maybe a bit of Molly? xx


	53. Chapter 53

JM- ARE YOU HERE?

SM- Begrudgingly yes.

JM- BUT ITS DISNEYLAND!

SM-But why are we here?

JM- I wish to invade.

SM- Invade?

JM- Yes.

SM- A theme park?

JM- My flat is just so boring at the moment…

SM- So why did you drag me here?

JM- I can't go to Disney land by myself – that would be sad!

SM- And a 36 year old man "invading" Disneyland isn't?

JM- Of course not.

SM- Of course not(!)

JM- Ok, you find the ringleader.

SM- Who's that?

JM- Sebbie! Mickey Mouse of course!

SM- What do you want me to do to him?

JM- Do a Mycroft for now.

MH- A me?

JM- Yes Myc dear, you kidnap people :D

MH- I do nothing of the sort!

SM- You want me to kidnap Mickey Mouse, are you insane?

MH- That is the most likely explanation.

JM- Oi!

JM- And yes, we'll hold him to ransom until he hands over the castle to me… I mean us.

SM- The castle?

JM- AKA my new flat.

MH- He does realise it's not a real castle…doesn't he?

JM- Of course it's real!

SM- That's a no.

MH- Oh dear.

JM- What do you mean it isn't real? It's on all the posters…

SM- Jim, have you ever actually been to Disneyland before, you know, as a tourist.

JM- Of course not, I was far too busy taking over the word and killing people etc.

SM- It's just a front; the castle isn't built for living in.

JM- I'll make an extension then!

MH- That could be interesting.

JM- No one likes sarcasm lovey. GET MICKEY!

SM- Which one?

JM- What do you mean?

SM- I've passed three.

JM- I just knew that man had perfected human (Mouse) cloning!

MH- He doesn't know.

JM- Know what?

SM- This is going to be messy.

JM- Know what?

SM- Mickey mouse is a cartoon.

JM- Obviously, I watch it on TV all the time! It's a biography!

SM- He's not real!

JM- DON'T SAY THAT SEBBIE ITS SANTA ALL OVER AGAIN!


	54. Chapter 54

JW- Why are we here Sherlock?

SH- I got a message, thought it might be interesting.

JW- What message?

FORWARD MESSAGE TO JOHN WATSON.

_JM- SHERLLLYYYY COME DISNEYLAND IT'LL BE FUN!_

JW- You made me travel for nearly three hours for that?!

SH- You didn't have to come.

JW- Can't have you getting in to trouble.

SH- I'd be lost without my blogger.

JW- You bet you would.

JW- I cannot believe what I just saw…

SH- What? What did you see?

JW- Moriarty.

JW- He just tackled Mickey Mouse, shouting "It's Santa all over again…"

JW- He's hitting him now…

JW- That poor man in the suit, should I help?

SH- Are you kidding video it on your phone!

JW- I already am.

JW- Security is here, thank goodness.

SH- He's being taken to the manager's office.

JW- How do you know?

SH- I followed the shouts of "Think of the children!"

JW- Yeah, it's a popular line around here.

SH- Wonder what happened.

MH- Mr Moriarty was under the impression that Mickey Mouse was real.

SH- Even I know he's fictional.

JW- You watched that show too?

SH- No.

SH- I just know no one in their right mind would call their son Mickey Mouse.

MH- My brother was more into CSI- though he grew out of that by age seven.

SH- Television is dull.

MH- I tend to agree, although I'm partial to a bit of Singing in the rain.

JW- I don't know what to say.

SH- Best not to say anything.

MH- Ah, Mr Moran has broken Moriarty out of the office then.

JM- I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS MYCROFT YOU DREAM SNATCHING MEANIE.


	55. Chapter 55

SM- Are you insane?

JM- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

SM- Good so explain why my bath tub, kettle, shoes and ALL of my mugs are filled with skittles?

JM- I don't know *innocent look*

SM- You bought about 40,000 packets online the other day and now my tub has mysteriously filled with them?

JM- That was Sherly's fault he mentioned Internet shopping and I couldn't help myself!

SM- So what did you do with them all?

JM- Ate them?

SM-Not even you could eat 40,000 packets in two weeks.

JM- Well ... I've kept them in my flat.

SM- And?

JM- And yours...

SM- And putting them in my kettle seemed logical at the time?

JM- Well I laughed!

JM- You didn't laugh?

SM- Not when I put the kettle on, left the room and came back to find my kettle had exploded.

JM- Hehehehe

JM- Was it a colourful explosion?

SM- I suppose, the mess certainty is.

JM- Excellent! I'll use them in future assassination bombs I think, much more fun!

SM – I can see the headlines now…

SM- SENATORS SLAUGHTERED BY SKITTLE SHRAPNEL.

JM- Wow you should be a journalist Seb!

SM- I'd certainly have a lot to write about with a friend like you!

JM- Love you too!


	56. Chapter 56

JM- My jaw hurts.

SM-You been eating too many skittles?

JM-Yes and no, I've been trying all the different ways to eat them.

SM- Why?

JM- I was bored and I have skittles to waste.

SM- What do you mean by eating them in different ways?

JM- Well at the moment I'm eating them with chopsticks.

JM- When I started about four hours ago I just filled the sink and dived in, that was fun...

JM- Second I shot about 100 into the air with a potato gun I had lying around it kind of melted them but that was still fun to eat once prized it off the ceiling.

JM-Then was the... Actually you really don't need to know about that one!

JM- Oh and can I borrow your riffle?

SM- No!

JM- Naww :(

SM- Apart from the fact it would ruin the barrel, you could actually kill someone!

JM- Says the sniper.

SM- It's different, I get paid.

JM- Can I pay you in skittles?

SM- Are you trying to get rid of them?

JM- Wouldn't you rather get paid in skittles?

SM- If I was twelve yes!

JM- Twenty years can't make that much difference!

SM- It does to sane people!

JM- And you fit in that category?

SM- You certainly don't!

JM- Fine I won't pay you in skittles I'll find something else to do with them...

SM- Good.

JM- Sebbie?

SM- Yes?

JM- Do you think Sherlock likes Skittles?

* * *

A/N- Hehehehe currently eating a family size packet with fabric tweezers, I couldn't find my chopsticks…


	57. Chapter 57

JM- Seb.

JM-Sebbiieee

JM-Sebbieeeeeeeee debbiieeee

JM- Debbie Sebbie chicken.

JM-whoops auto correct...

JM- Sebbie it's been ages why won't you talk to me?

JM- Sebbie I've got something important to tell you!

JM- I'm pregnant!

JM- No sorry... Urg who knew it was so difficult to be serious!

JM- I've decided to build up my empire again!

JM- Seb?

JM- I'm re-spinning my web Seb!

JM- Hahaha web Seb! It rhymes!

JM- no sorry I really am trying to be serious!

JM- I want you to be my sniper again!

JM- Please be my sniper again!

JM- Seb?

JM- Pleeeaaaase?

JM- SEBASTIAN!

SH- Moriarty, you really should check your contacts before sending that many messages...

JM- Whoopsie...


	58. Chapter 58

SM- Just got sent like 20 messages from Holmes, calling me Debbie?

JM- That would be my messages, he must have forwarded them how cute!

SM- So it's true? You really are building up your organization again?

JM- Quite so!

SM-Excellent! Working for the government just isn't the same?

JM- What? Hang on wait? You've been working for the government?

SM- Yup.

JM- Which one?

SM- Most of them...

SM- Working for both sides is great fun!

MH- Yes, we didn't appreciate your involvement in the case when you were sent to track and kill the sniper on enemy lines, which turned out to be yourself.

JM- Elegant.

SM- You should see me in a crown!

JM- That's my line!

SM- Sorry. I was going to say dress but that memory is safer for everyone, left well alone...

JM-I'd love to see you in a dress Sebbie :).

MH- Moving on swiftly to the matter in hand.

SM- I don't really care what your holding Holmes.

JM- Unless it's a dress, then I want to see pictures :)

MH-The matter in hand, not the item of matter in my hand.

JM- And what's that Myc?

MH- Well it's actually a rather lovely piece of fruit cake!

JM- No dear, the matter in hand.

MH- Ah yes, it seems that Mr Moran is playing a dangerous game by working for serval opposing governments simultaneously. I just wish to make both of you aware that all governments involved now know, and that should you wish to resume your sniping duties with Mr Moriarty that you will have no access officially to any government secrets.

SM- Thanks for the heads up!

MH- that's quite alright, if you start causing trouble though we will have to stop you.

JM-Never could before.

MH- it has been done, therefore it can again. Never mind this trivia; I'm off to dinner with the Portuguese prime minister.

SM- Send him my love and say I'll miss him too :P

JM- PAHAHAHA :D


End file.
